After a chance meeting a few days ago, N and I arranged to meet up for lunch this afternoon.
I have to say, I was not expecting to hear what she had to tell me.
Maybe it’s because I’ve nursed a soft spot for J all these years, and maybe because N never really made much effort to put herself in a positive light, but I have to admit finally that I took J’s side a little too readily in the long cold struggle that eventually led to them filing for divorce. And I didn’t try much to try to talk to N separately. I just took J’s word for the truth.
Now I can’t believe that I didn’t fall back on “Wait, that’s not what a woman would do” when J made statements about N. Why did I immediately assume he’d gotten the story straight? When I recall what he said, now, I wonder why, as a woman, I didn’t find more reason to question his conclusions.
And now I’m more upset than ever at his curt dismissal of my distress call that I made to him at 3am about two months ago, when I wasn’t at all sure I was getting through to E at all and felt that I was teetering on the knife edge of a complete emotional and nervous breakdown. I had texted him to say that I was so beyond frustrated, I was beginning to feel like the only way to get any attention was self-harm or suicide. And after all these years of my supporting him through his various upsets and struggles and heartaches, all he could find it in himself to give me was a curt little comment that he was sure E took me seriously, because he’d apparently texted J about the problem earlier that day and it sounded serious. He never even checked back on me. We’ve not spoken since.
Why do I never realise how self-centered people are until they’ve slapped me in the face with their selfishness?