dweller by the river

sojourner of earth attempting to understand the journey home

Month: September, 2016


Funny how coloured nails make you feel (and think, and behave) different.

Reminder to Self

Your husband doesn’t have to earn your respect


I’ve been starting and leaving several drafts hanging. Somehow, I just never really pulled up enough clarity or intensity to finish. But I have to get back to doing this! So here’s a sort-of framing post meant to get my mind back on track.

I guess I feel like everything in my life is in some sort of limbo at the moment, and that stems from its spiritual aspect. As I’ve mentioned, I experienced a recent paradigm shift and since I have always had a tendency to interpret life, and reason and make decisions, based on the principles of my faith, to say that I’ve had the ground pulled from beneath my feet isn’t an exaggeration at all.

These are the major changes:

  • I no longer believe in “once saved, always saved”. In other words, I believe that you can lose your salvation.
  • I no longer believe that repentance and justification are timeless/all-encompassing; it’s not the catch-all, for-all-time thing that many preachers espouse these days. You can’t just go “Ooops!” and then just be thankful that you’re “already forgiven”; you have to confess and repent.
  • I no longer believe that the terms “Old Testament/Covenant” and “New Testament/Covenant” signify a divide between “Law” and “Grace”, or that the Ten Commandments are no longer applicable to believers today. I believe that while there is a difference between the Covenants, it does not touch on the Commandments.
  • I no longer believe in the Trinity. I believe that there is but one God, the Almighty, and that He sent both His Son Jesus Christ and His Holy Spirit into the world at different times to accomplish His will. Yes, this means that I no longer believe that Christ is God.
  • I no longer believe in “confession is possession”, or “claiming by faith”. I believe that 2 Corinthians 1:20 needs to be taken in its proper context and that all the “promises” that people are indiscriminately “claiming” also need to be re-examined for relevance and taken in their proper context.
  • I no longer believe in “unconditional love (of God)” as it is commonly preached about. I am now convinced that Scripture does seem to point to God’s love being conditional on obedience.
  • I no longer believe that church membership is at all scriptural, let alone necessary; this is a widening of my previous stance against official sign-your-name-on-this-contract church membership. Note that this does not equate with “I see no value in community/fellowship/accountability” — they are different things.

It follows that I now have some difficulties with my previous concepts of marriage, parenting, ministry, calling and gifts (with direct implications on dreams/ambition/career). Everything is being overhauled.

But I still firmly believe that writing is an exercise in mental discipline, and that forcing myself to explore and clarify these topics in writing will greatly aid and hasten the coalescing and crystallising of my thoughts into a coherent framework. Therefore, I’m going to do my best to keep at this as much as possible.

So much for having a “display” or “portfolio” approach to the stuff I publish on this blog.

What Was Not

It was supposed to be a beautiful experience; a transcendental trial of pain through which I would emerge transformed, to welcome you into the world we would share. I wanted your arrival to be earthy, warm, real – for your first experience to be of myself, holding you, nourishing you, after carrying you within me for so long.

But it turned out to be something that was done to me, to you, to us, our meeting marred by drugs, instruments, strangers, distance – and a year and a month and a day after the fact I still burn with the agony of what might have been, what should have been; I still ache with the loss, I still grieve those stolen moments, I still feel like I have failed you, failed us, failed myself, failed our whole femininity. I still feel alone, abandoned, not understood, expected to “just get over it” because things are now fine, and what’s the point of dwelling on what’s past?

It is not fine. I lost something of myself, something of us, and we will never get it back…

But you smile at me, my precious firstborn, you look at me and smile my smile, with your head cocked just so, in that angle as familiar to me as my own reflection, and somehow, perhaps, maybe, I can find it in myself to forgive, and to accept, and to grow past the hurt.

My light, my answer from Heaven, my heart’s protection from spiraling grief.